The great fall retreat

As many of you know that know me and my family personally letting Logan go away on church retreats has been a huge concern of mine. I mean after all they don't know him, they couldn't possibly "get" him. But last year I let him go. I let him go to all of them, the over nighters, the week long get aways, lock-ins...all of it. He did seemingly fairly well. he enjoyed himself and for the most part it was all OK. One or two minor instances of a melt down and calling it quits but he was OK, I was OK.

So fast forward to this school year and he is now in the youth group, which is a fabulous community of boys and girls and the most amazing group of young adults and teachers I have ever seen assembled in one place. They all go everywhere together and do all of the retreats and outings together. So instead of 15 or 30 kids at kids camp its over 100 kids for a fall weekend retreat. It's great the programs they have really inspire our young people to live for God and be better human beings. It is amazing to see them all inter act and how well they all function as a group. Growing up in the church we did all of these things too but it really is amazing to be on this side of it now, with the life long friends I made watching our children love it as much as we did.

All of that being said 100 kids and a Logan is a frightening proposition for any mother of an ASD kid or any ASD kid. Who is going to watch him, who will be his filter? Will he stand alone and not participate, will he alienate himself from the crowd or worse yet will he be alienated. I am blessed that his two cousins attend the same church and are there with him. One is a mother hen who can see trouble and head it off at the pass and the other is so awesome with Logan in the midst of a melt down. I mean really I could not be more blessed to have these two be there with him. But what happens when Logan, in an attempt to "play along" is given free will to do so. It's not good, it's almost tragic, maybe more so for me than him but it is tragic.

The long and short of it is he pied his cousins for his "talent" at their talent show. He named his act "revenge". I was told by others that people laughed, he says it was funny, but I was just a little beyond shocked. It's a mix of feelings really. I am stunned that he would do that, under that title, I am stunned that he did that to his cousins, I am shocked that my 16 year niece who does not let anyone touch her hair, and who had to be lifted and forced on to the stage to do it was not angry, mortified, I dunno fill in the 16 year old hormonal emotion....

He asked me if I was mad and I couldn't really say yes or no. I had to explain to him why I thought it was  in bad taste. That is when it gets tragic, Logan does not "get" that what he finds funny can hurt someone else's feelings. He never wants nor intends to cause anyone emotional pain because he knows all to well what it feels like. Logan has a huge heart and only wants to be loved and to love, he doesn't do hurt, he cannot process that. So when I told him my feelings on it he was devastated, a full blown melt down of epic 1 pm to 9 pm proportions of emotional meltdown. I just wanted him to see how it could affect someone and understand that maybe picking the two people who do nothing but help him out maybe weren't the two best people to choose. This whole thing is just tragic I feel bad for him I feel bad for my niece not so much for my nephew he is after all a 12 year old boy who reveled in it I am sure. I think maybe I am over reacting, I think maybe this is not his fault, I just don't really know where I stand on it. He cannot tell me why he just wanted to do it. So did he pick his cousins because he felt the most comfortable with them....probably. Was it funny to outsiders, probably, then why am I so conflicted by this? Did I do the right thing by telling him why maybe it wasn't such a good idea to pie a girl?? I think so

Parenting Logan is so emotional, so much more so than dealing with the twins. With the girls it is... no, this is wrong, this is why, this is what you should do next time, and life goes on. But with Logan there is so much more involved everything is an onion, thin, translucent layers, that must be pealed back and each examined closely before moving on to the next until you reach the center, everything, absolutely everything has to be dealt with like this. I guess maybe today I am tired of it and I know he is tired of it, and if I could l just wave a magic wand and make him see socially what we see, would it be better? Would he still be the Logan that I love and adore or would he be hardened and jaded because he sees the way we do?

I don't know the answer to any of that, I know I owe my niece a shopping trip, maybe lunch and a movie. But, you know what she is so great that he apologized for it and she gave him a hug and said its OK.... She still rocks!

Amazingly Zoë

Mostly I blog about Logan and how life is so different with him. But, I was thinking just the other day about how life is different with all of my kids and for all of my kids. The twins are so different it is hard for people to see they are sisters let alone twins. One is tall, lanky, sports centered, tom-boy, with dark hair and eyes. The other is shorter, stockier, totally girlie girl, pink, sequins, nose in books, overly dramatic all DRAMA fair haired, brown eyed princess.To look at them their only similarities are they have the same shoe size and they are both girls. They sound different, respond differently to the same situations, the really are "the twins that are not" (to coin a phrase from their Pop, my dad)

This past week Zoe has started Softball and was invited to join a private league basketball team. How did that happen??? I'm not sure but knowing her, she is probably making her own scouting phone calls....seriously. Well. not seriously, but seriously!! LOL I told her we could do both but that 2 things will always come before sports. First off your school work has to be completed and you have to keep up your grades, and second (not necessarily in this order) Church. If you have a game or an impromptu practice on Sunday, forget it, they will live without you. She agreed, mostly because she just wants to play I am sure.

Then she comes home with, " I want to join the Art Club." Did I mention she is crazy talented as an artist too? She gets that from my grandfather, great artist, he actually made a very good living off it. OK Zoe when is it? Tuesday at 3:40....mmmm no, sorry, you chose Softball. Holy Moly tantrum she somehow believes that she has special powers and can be doing her homework at home prior to Tuesday night Softball practice AND in Art club. She gets it now, only after my face fell off mid fit and she helped me put it back on. One thing that I am proud I can do is my point across to the kids how they act affects my reaction. :) I am sure I come off as a tyrant sometimes, but mostly, satirical, and well just weird. They enjoy my weirdness.....for now..... at some point, I am certain, my weirdness will...  in their words...."destroy my whole life!"

My Zoë I fear is my brothers child but, God blessed her with me as her mom in stead. I call my brother in sheer panic about basketball and softball and his response is...of course she did. I was stunned I was hoping for some whisp of big brother sports start wisdom and I get "of course she did" What the grrrrrr??? Well, so what do I do??? His response is of course grandiose in nature again with.." you drive her!" My forehead just bounced off the steering wheel... whaaaaat? This coming from the child who played baseball, football, and was in band while my parents toted his hiney around, "drive her" After I hung up and had sufficient time to be appalled, I realized he's right, all I have to do IS drive her! Be there for her, my time is gone, it's her time now. My duty as a parent is to get her to her practices and games and "drive her". I will love her, support her, cheer her on, fill her water bottles, wash her uniforms and "drive her." What better advice could he have given me? Tell me to suck it up and give my life over to sports lords? It was the perfect thing to say, of course it Mark has always been "perfect" at least that's been the game for 40 years :)

My amazing Zoë is flying through life so fast she misses the smell of the roses. She cannot wait to be in middle school so she can do track, volleyball, basketball, AND softball, that she cannot stand it. But, one thing I have learned from my mom (gosh I miss her) and now my brother is....just "drive her." While you are driving you teach the art of being centered around God and church and family. Because in the end with out those things in your life, who or what will "drive her"?

The no good, terrible, horrible, Middle School Meltdown

Well, it finally happened and I cannot say that I am surprised. The huge Middle School Meltdown.....
Last year in Elementary school Logan was graduated from Special Ed math to regular math on his IEP. It was fantastic, he was so proud ( as he should be) and loved getting to stay in class with everyone else. On we go to Middle School, I honestly thought the first day of school Logan would crack and meltdown. But, he didn't short of playing with water to calm himself down, (running water, it's his go to thing) he did great. Logan did not loose it when classes changed or when teachers changed he was OK. I think it might have been because we talked about this all summer long but whatever the reason he survived YAY!!

Move on to day two; we are doing homework and I ask him who his math teachers is and I look it up and it's a SpEd teacher. Grrr, no no he needs to be in regular math, not SpEd. So I innocently tap out a nice letter to his Advisor please look into this I am pretty sure he needs to be in regular not SpEd, please advise. Nothing pushy not rude, I thought maybe the summer made my brain mush and made it all up. While at work I get a call from his school, on of those canned mass message deals, it says not to expect immediate schedule changes they are working on doing as many as possible it might take a week and so on. I'm like great I can prepare Logan for it... one day next week they are going to change your schedule.

Oh NO NO NO NO apparently my e mails are golden and special and get turn around 12 hour service o_O
I got the bus route changed for middle and elementary by writing an e mail.... but that is a story for a different day. Mind you other parents would KILL I mean literally KILL for 12 hour schedule changes (you've seen the news, moms in TX go whack on crack over stuff like this :) Not me, I would love the week to prepare, why are we so special? Geesh! They change the kids schedule while he is in first period, meet him out side of his class room walk him to his new second period hand him a new schedule and pat him on his head and leave. This is about where it started.... now he is in band second period. Not too bad it's Clarinets and he plays Sax still would wind...were good, a little unsettling but good. 3rd period, A lunch, 4th period, and then it happens. He walks into a brand new math class knows, no one, the kids are handing in their homework of which he has none, the teacher passes out text books and tries to throw in a lesson all in rapid fire succession. Logan looses it, gets up crying goes to his advisers office says he is NOT going back and proceeds to melt down.

The adviser tries to reason with him, I give her an "A" for effort but there is NO reasoning with a kid in full tilt meltdown. We have all been there, you have to talk them off their ledge (that's what I call it) it takes a very long time. So in an effort to get the kid into his 6th period class she offers him an out, she says give it 2 weeks and if you don't like it you can go back. WTF!!! noooooooooooo there are no outs lady, he has to do this, he CAN do this, don't tell him if you still do bad in 2 weeks you can go back. Guess what he does, he will do bad for 2 weeks and then want to go back. She failed big fat "F"

Nope not in my house. My mother raised by a woman who, in the 20's, survived polio and graduated from UT with a degree in education, taught my mother who was dyslexic and graduated from TCU in 3 years in the 50's, that just because you have something wrong with you, gives you in no way shape or form the card to not succeed. In all aspects of life. Logan is not allowed to use the "but, I'm autistic" card to not succeed. Logan makes straight A's, the only class Logan is still in SpEd for is English. He is 100% smart enough and able to make it, in regular classes. But, if you just throw him in there with no notice he will fail, Logan hates to fail.

His, adviser e mails me, she doesn't even call me??!! e mails me that all of this went down but that she checked on him and he seems to be doing fine. RIIIIGHHHHTTTT!!! That's why he calls me at work crying inconsolably telling me what happened? No he is NOT, OK. Not, right now the kid had a full tilt meltdown at school infornt of kids and ran down the hallways screaming and crying in your office and you tell me he is OK (big fat FAIL again). I try to defuse him over the phone again this is like throwing wet sponges at a fire...it's not helping. I tell him to go play the Wii till we get home.

So one long hour later we are home, he is still crying, he is still in his room. My heart is breaking, I call him down and we make ravioli (Italian is his favorite) and while we are cooking dad and I double team the meltdown. Oh did I mention I have also started my wine bottle :) he says that basic math is easy, and the regular teacher is too fast, and he hates, it and he will never catch up and on and on. I simply and quietly tell him that he cannot go back to basic math, that would be like going back to elementary school it's just not possible, and that his best bud has the same math teacher the hour before. the diffusion is slowly working. We are cooking and talking and I am drinking up to 2 glasses at this point and we are crying and hugging. By the time the sauce is ready to just simmer for a bit, and the ravioli are made, we have made out way to the dinning room table and we are working on MATH homework. AND he is doing it on his own with little to no intervention from myself or dad. I give myself and dad and A+ and Logan well there is no possible way to score that high.

All in all we will learn from this and move on. I think we might have come out of this one a little bit better than when we went it. At the end of the night I got the mail and Logan had a hand written letter in it from a sweet lady at church who saw him get Baptized. It simply said that she was proud of him and couldn't wait to see what he did with this gift God gave him. He beamed and said "MOM she's proud of me and I didn't know her until Sunday!" That right there was the absolute greatest possible way to end that day. God blesses us and shows His grace in the most amazing ways, it's good to be loved like that and to see the His love in others shared like that too.

He went to school today happy and focused on succeeding, and doing this thing the Logan way, and that is  ALL I can expect. Everyday he amazes me, everyday he makes me proud, Everyday I am blessed to be his mom.

Labels what are they really all about?

Some people are really NOT going to like this......All of these labels that people are throwing around really got me thinking the other day. Why do we have them, who makes us use them? Have we all become so insecure that the only way to fit in is to have a label? What happened to being a person?

It has just recently been a topic of my daily conversations when my "regular" children were referred to as Neurotypical. I'm not certain but, I am pretty sure I crossed my eye when I heard that. NO, it's not the first time I heard it, with Drs. and my son the words he is not neurotypical are said with some regularity. It took me by surprise that we have now put labels on people who ARE the round peg in the round hole. I guess my whole concern is first and for most all of us are human beings, we all deserve to be treated the same. I know we are not, I know we have to fight for our kids, don't attack me for that. But, why label where labels don't need to be. Not everyone is, or needs to be, in a group heading under a label. My word, look at how many different terms and levels their are for Autism (ASD, on the spectrum, high functioning, nonverbal severe, ASD with PDA, ADHD ,and OCD etc.) I seriously could fill a paragraph with acronyms and new terminology. Will you only speak to me if I fit in your label? Can my kid not play with yours because he is not under your label? In the medical community and with the diagnosis the labels and acronyms help stream line research and medical protocol. To me outside of schools and Drs. offices it should be left up to my discretion to label or not label him. Why are so many parents using labels out of the medical or educational realm? (educational is for schools and social groups on line or other wise, as I feel that we are educating others)

My son is my son he's different, you can see that fairly easily. My daughters are my daughters they blend in I guess you could say. Isn't enough that we get excluded and pointed out for, hair, make-up, clothes, speech, do we really need to go one more step and walk around with big glowing A's hovering over us. I mean its pretty dang obvious we do not fit the mold. We as parents are not as "put together" (unless you are a Rainbows and Unicorn mom)as others, we are strung out, worn out, one more lecture on how "technically it's not the end of summer mom" and we might snap. But what we all want is acceptance and understanding and a little grace. I assume I am different because labels don't make me feel special, it is not a badge of honor I ever wanted. Love me and my kid because we are human. We are just like you, we have the same struggles you do. It's just that our kids stay around longer in the troubles you had at 2,3,4 & 5. It's the same, you can remember, if you let yourself. If I feel the need to let you know my child's medical needs, I will let you know.

Perhaps I live in a fairly tail land but to me there is no difference in what I do than in what any parent does. We struggle, we fight, we love, we enjoy, we get knocked down and get right back up again. Just as I feel that people do not need to walk around introducing themselves as "Hi, I'm Tom I'm gay and have a husband with 2 normal kids" to find acceptance nor do I feel the need to say "Hi, I'm Karen, I'm straight have a husband and 3 kids one is autistic and 2 are not" to find acceptance. My label rant is for everyone who is so concerned about "stepping on toes" and hurting feelings that we have become so damn "politically correct" we are going BACKWARDS in society. WE are segregating ourselves. WE made the labels, We are the ones who say if you don't have this label you don't belong. If we all stopped trying to "fit in" and accept people for just being a human being then maybe just maybe we wouldn't need to be so PC all the time. Maybe you could love and respect someone with any type of difference. Maybe there would be less judgement and more conversations. I realize ignorance is out there and it always will be. But, I have to figure there are more of "us" than there are of "them" otherwise the world would not be as advanced.

Beyond religion, and bibles, and living the golden rule. Treat someone as human they deserve as much grace as you do. Our differences don't make us different. They make us unique. That is why no mater how hard you try to package us into labels will we all every fit. Because we are all unique and is my rainbow.

Hair Cuts, good friends, and no coffee!!

If you are friends with me on Facebook you know I took Logan to get his hair cut on Sunday. You also know it took an hour! It's not like the kid was Rapunzel, or like he had a design carved into his head. Nope just a simple (or so I thought) 2 on the side fade to a scissored top long enough to comb over. OK so he picked up a book and wanted 52 hairstyles and 15 minutes later I told the sweet girl look just do this (what I said above) and I promise you he will love it. He didn't fight it (after he was in the chair). 15 minutes in she calls me over, "Mom, can you come here please?" Oh crap! What?? I was watching... nothing happened...uggghh. No, it wasn't him, she scalped him, in two spots on his head...."I'm so sorry, I've never done that before" no biggie I'm easy just even it up and call it good. SO....from a 2 we get a 1 and I go sit down again and wait, and wait. another 10 minutes go by. My gosh what in the world is taking so long... OMG another stylist is working on him. The poor girl cannot cut hair, Logan is a statue by this point he is no longer making facial expressions in the mirror, I am feeling the melt down coming on. The Second stylists whips right through it calls me over.. yes, good? Good!  And then the first stylist hands the boy a mirror??? and it crashes to the ground, covered in shards of glass (as she runs to get a broom) he looks up and me with a sheepish grin...the boy did it on purpose!! LOL Sooo maybe he is his mothers child after all, I wanted to high-five him right there in the salon. but instead we pay, get a dum dum and giggle all the way out :)

This leads me to good friends, I have a life long friend who cuts hair. Ya I know, take the kid to her SHUSH!! Anyway both her daughter and Logan along with my nephew are starting 6th grade this year. They all got promoted this Sunday at church. We cried, her only, my oldest, and my brothers youngest. First off I am too young to have a kid this old... so is my friend. My brother ehh he's old its OK :) We end up crying in church and laughing we KNEW one of the women around us, who use to be OUR camp counselors and or youth minister were going to crack us in the head for acting up. But, 1 - how wonderful is it that I have a childhood friend that I grew up with that I can experience all this with and 2 - Everyone loves Logan and he feels accepted and loved and that is HUGE. Do you know he will actually attempt socialization here? It blows my mind it really, really does. 3 - that its in the same (home) we grew up in. Life is so much nicer when you have people that get you. I mean really GET you. They know when you need a hug, a prayer, a shoulder, a sounding board, or when need to cut up, and not only do they let you, they stand by you and join IN. I realized this Sunday, were good, I'm good, God is good (kinda knew that one already) but it is nice to get the reassurance that they will always be there for us, and we are never alone.

So then we go to no coffee, yes no coffee I wake up at 5:30AM ( I NEVER DO THAT) to get showered and dressed to go to the store at 6 when they open...to get COFFEE. OK so it's my fault, I get that. But when you live relatively in E.I.E.I.O. there is NO 7-11 or Circle K to go get Coffee from you have to wait till the Kroger opens and run in while they are still turning on the lights :) Coffee is a must, a staple, just as much water is, i mean its mostly water anyway right.:) It is also essential to the well being of my family and my marriage. Mostly it's been a good start to the week. Minus the iphone hacker (another blog, another day). Happy Tuesday everyone, cheers and God bless coffee and good friends!

The Next BIG Step...finding our rainbow

The next step in our lives is for the boy to go off to Middle School and start 6th grade. He is terrified and so am I. Of course he does not know that I am just as scared as he is. I have already met with his SpEd teacher and she has met the boy, which is great because now I don't have to explain him to her. So that is one angst off my list. Mind you the boys' list is totally different from mine.

Mine is..... without a younger group of kids to play with where will he gravitate too, will he be alone? Will his friends still be his friends? Will they have the same lunch or will he sit alone? Will the older kids pick on him because he is the size of a freshman in HS in the 6th grade, will he be bullied, can he handle the social dynamics of MS?

His concerns are, is my locker close enough to my classes, will I have a crummy bottom locker? Is my saxophone really at the school already? what kind of science will I get to take?

I have to remind myself that the boy does OK, it's not my level of comfort but he does OK. My angst is not his. I (we) have never treated the boy differently, we just handle him differently. Meaning just because he is has a label doesn't in any way shape or form give him permission to act out, perform lower than he is capable, or in any way is it to be used as a crutch. That being said, I speak to him differently, I know he will not "look me in the eyes when I am talking" to him. I cannot yell at him because he dissolves, a stern "do you understand me" is enough to have it in stone. I give him more one on one and side to side time than I do the girls. He needs that, he looks for it. The girls get it too, don't get me wrong, just for shorter amounts of time and way different activities.

I recently have let my self venture into the world of ASD mommies and Autism groups and blogs. I was tired of feeling like I wasn't a good enough mom because I didn't shit glitter and my world was not rainbows and unicorns. In these groups I have found real parents, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents that experience life everyday like I do. I don't know if I didn't venture out to them before because 'the boy really isn't that bad" so I thought I would not relate or if I yearned for normal. My normal is not normal, not in any since of the word is it normal, it is however AUsome, and now I see my world in a whole new lite.

The boy will be fine, will we fall? YA! Will we cuss and cry and meltdown? That's a given. But, it's OK because that is who we are, we fight for what we have to and the rest we carve out, on our own winding road. It might be longer, darker, and be far more up hill, but, it is ours and we like it that way. Do I wish it was not so rough?... sure, who doesn't? Who wants their kid to struggle, who wants to see heart break? No one. This next BIG step is HUGE but just like everything else we will find our way. It might not be straight up and over but we will get there and we will look back through our storms and find our rainbow, through the dark clouds and rain we will see it right before the next step. We might not have rainbows and unicorns all the time, but when we do they are bigger and brighter and mean more to us, because we earned it.

no rainbows and unicorns

First of all I have come to the staunch realization that I am not a "rainbow and unicorn" mom. When I speak it is from the heart, it is raw, sometimes funny, and always freeing. When I walk around my house glitter and butterflies do not float about. I do not wear rose colored glasses and I know that Logan is what he is and everyday I learn a new trick to dealing with him. Mostly because what I learned yesterday is totally irrelevant today. His little twin sisters are either on my side or not, and mostly because they are preteen girls they are NOT. That always adds to the fun an excitement of life.

Summer has been an all time consuming adventure. Leaving the safety of those that adore Logan in Elementary school and venturing out into a world unknown has been a series or breakthroughs and melt downs, in no particular order. Logan is very much wanting to grow up and be independent all the while staying firmly attached to my pant leg LOL. He tried out the "big brother" role this summer... ya... that resulted in numerous melt downs. All of those (of course) occurred while I was a work usually with a client in the office and me in the copy room trying to reason with an inconsolable person. Or as I like to say it "throwing wet sponges at a fire." I can deal with them in person, but over the phone crying like a 2 year old (half the time I cant understand the poor kid) and melting down is very difficult to handle on a phone. But, all in all we tackled them and moved on. We have had best friend drama, I hate you , I love you, where did you go, leave me alone, please come back, BFF's, sell my sisters, i cannot live with out my sisters, secret societies and clubs to no one likes me....ahhhhh!!!  melt downs and make ups. Sometimes when I'm really lucky... all in one day. Yes, really all in one day. If you don't have an ASD kid in your life you really should get one, you have no clue what drama can be like until then, or how nice drinking wine is LOL

Logan's angst about middle school is growing as are his daily meltdowns. We had to deal with the haircut melt down this weekend. I have to admit this one was my fault, I prepared him for this all day, and in the end time ran out, no hair cut for Logan. Those of you with a kid on the spectrum I am sure has experienced the haircut delima (it seems to be common for ASD kids to not like hair cuts) so after the haircut did not happen it was 30 minutes of "but Mom, you said!" " you told me it was going to happen today" fits of anger, slamming doors, and tears later we snuggled in the recliner and watched a movie.

Over all the summer with Logan has been fantastic. I am very impressed with Logan, he did 2 no 3 over night camps. I was stunned I did not get phone calls in the middle of the night begging me to come get him. Granted they were all with the church in a location, and with people whom he is very familiar with, and a staff that is the BEST ever! His sisters were also old enough to along this year. Also they were no more than 3 nights and they built up from 1 to 2 to 3. It was in short amazing. It does help that his cousin who was put on this earth to "get" Logan, and one of the older youth (who is an aspie) were there. We are so lucky, no, no BLESSED to have these people in our lives. My nephew is truly a God send when it comes to Logan, I could write a book on what that kid means to me. Having the girls be old enough to go was probably the biggest factor in Logan going on these trips this year. Last year he wanted nothing to do with them. he did not care where they were going, who they would be with or any of it. It was I have no electronics, no TV, no Wii NO WAY. So I didn't even push the issue. I simply said your sisters OH and your BFF is going do want to go to?

Luckily he said yes which lead to the most magnificent happening of all this summer. Brucie and I got a whole weekend and entire 3 days kid free! We broke every parent rule, we went to Louisiana and gambled, and drank, and ate too much , and stayed up too late, and drove too far, and spent too much and Bruce got a tattoo. It was great, it was the most quiet I have had in well... EVER! There is nothing I can do to repay that gift. I am not sure anyone realizes how much it meant to me to just be able to be. To go the bathroom alone, to shop for groceries alone, to not have to break up fights, or fix melt downs, or be quiet in the morning when i get my coffee so I don't wake anyone up and I can sneak back in my room before they notice. NONE of it. It was like I got shipped off to a new world, my own secret place. But, it's gone now. Back to dinosaurs, all things animal, and fighting siblings.

To tell you the truth I wouldn't have it any other way. I was bored by Sunday without the kids, but it was still a nice break. I love my life, my kids, my stress, our successes.I get to sit and cry and bitch about it because it's mine. I don't live on a Rainbow or ride around on a unicorn with glitter and butterflies floating about and that's OK. Life would be pretty lame without a rain cloud and thunderstorms to shake it all up. I love my little black rain clouds :)

When ten fingers and ten toes doesn't mean perfect

Any parent will agree the statement everyone is wanting to hear after the birth of a child is.... yes, he/she is perfect 10 fingers and 10 toes, He is 7lbs. and 11oz, and a whopping 21 inches long at 32.5 weeks. What happens when that is all that is perfect about your child? There is silence in the room, he's not crying, why is he not crying? The curtain closes and a team of neonatal specialists fill the room, whispering, hurrying, no one is saying anything to me. A nurse comes over with this little blue baby after what seems like hours and says here is your son... I am sorry you cannot hold him very long we HAVE to get him on oxygen right now. In shock I say, "take him now then wait for nothing!" Little did I know I missed my chance to hold him and would not get to until he was almost a month old. No one ever expects a child to be born with so many hurdles in front of them, even the most qualified and over trained specialists and MD's cannot tell you if your baby will be coming home with you. What happens then?

For me that was my reality. My first born child, no one had any answers, no one could tell me he would be OK, no one could say he is going to be fine. Just saying he is a fighter he has a strong soul and adding as long as he stays on top of the eight ball....what does that mean?! I have to say Tx Children's NICU is a phenomenal place, the best child care for sick infants, and this is where I sat for 3 weeks.... living, in the unknown. Tubes, EEGs, Nitric Oxide, ECMO, MRI's Echo's, needles, blood drawn for every test in the world. For the first 2 weeks I could not even touch him. They (the Dr's and nurses) would not let me, every time i did his little body jumped his scores dropped and rose to dangerous levels. All I could do was watch his lifeless drug induced comma body and pray. When all I wanted to do was hold him and make it all better.

Prayers were answered and 4 weeks later, after progressing from critical and unstable, to stable, to serious and stable, to just a preemie on a different floor, my son gets to come home and is now a thriving 1 and a half month old baby. They tell me he is fine minus the PVA whole in his heart, he should catch up in a years time and life will go on BUT, only time will tell what his remarkable birth will mean for him down the road. OH and by the way make sure he does not get any serious colds his baby lungs have gone through a lot and we don't want him to have any set backs. GREAT! I mentally block the proverbial "BUT" and move on. Keeping him healthy and dusting and cleaning and sanitizing everything and then....at 8 months old he gets RSV. Are you serious?? It's not a cold, not a serious cold, no no it is the big momma of all colds the ONE looming thing that could still take him from me.... HE GETS IT. Dammit, I thought I was done with this! So I spend 2 months every 2 hours holding a tiny little mask connected to nebulizer over his face awake or sleeping, praying fervently that he will over come this too. Which thankfully he did, and paddles on with out further incidents. 

He doesn't learn to walk until he is well past the age of 1 more like 18 to 2 years old but, this is OK. He is a full functioning LIVING gift and trucking right along toddler.It is right around this time that I realize his remarkable birth history is writing his future and will show its ugly head when it wants to. Here I am a newly divorced mom with brand new twins and my little Logan. Dad couldn't take the stress of it all. Really, this is how you want to play God, you think I can do this ALONE OK bring it on. Logan starts school early because my child, my precious miracle baby cannot speak intelligibly at the age of 3. It is worth mentioning my mother took great pride in the fact that his very first sentence at the age of 3 1/2 was " I love you Nanny" So off we start with the first round of tests he has been though since birth. minus the ultra sounds on his heart to check on the progression or lack there of of his hole. On to speech therapy we go and he surpasses all the his goals with in 6 months! 

YAY another obstacle overcome! Well not really. Where he can now speak fairly well and has gained an extensive vocabulary after 2 years, at the age of 6 cannot read. You cannot read his hand writing and he has started acting up in class. Fits galore, hiding under his desk, bathroom breaks, water breaks, tantrums, anything to get out of reading or writing. More therapy is what "they" say he needs, reading resource and continued speech because he still has issues "finding" the right words to say. I take the time to explain... Baby, I know its hard and it is frustrating but you cannot act out in class this will only get you into trouble. Just work with me here and I promise I will find out what makes reading and writing so hard for you. It's not working, he continues to make very little progress and more testing is in order, PT's, OTs, Speech therapists, behavior specialists, Neurologist, NeuroPsychologist, Special Ed Teachers, they want to do more brain scans! 

Now me, lost and looking for the proverbial key to his Pandora's box. Why can't he read? He is now 7 and half, he can't retain a word he KNOWS from one line to the next, every sentence is a battle, every word seemingly new, writing..... oh Lord... up hill here we go again!!! WHY!? look at him!! He is 4.5 feet tall and 80 pounds at 7 and half,a huge, healthy child. When he speaks he SOUNDS very intelligible, can say his math facts, spell a loud, and tell you anything you want to know about any animal ever filmed and showed on the Discovery Channel. But, he cannot play sports, tie his shoe, read, write, or interact with children his own age appropriately. So now, here we are, seeking the help of yet another specialist to help explain and maybe give us a path to travel on for learning and succeeding in life. They want more tests and we go to Albuquerque and meet with several Dr's. We have meetings do all day testings over the course of weeks to get a diagnosis. Their diagnosis....ADD. What? you are kidding me? My son who cannot read, cannot write, along with so many other issue but can sit down and play a video game for an hour is ADD. OK, but there is something more to this right? Well yes, we ( the Dr's) agree we want a brain scan and more testing. Glad to know you are as fascinated by it as I am, and a little concerned that this will turn into a clinical study and medical journal article of acclaim for you, at the same time. I tell him they want more tests, not my concerns just the test. He is old enough now to understand what is going on and my son at the age of 8 says NO! He is done, no more tests, no more pictures, no more needles, just no. How do I make him go through it? I cannot, everyone else wants a label not ADD a bigger better fitting label, but not him and now not me.

I realize through all of this, this is my pain, not his. My son for an unknown reason has to over come SO MUCH, when does he get to be a little boy? This is my angst, not his, he does not feel the pain I feel for him, he doesn't worry about being just a kid and, for that I am glad. He is a little kid, he is living his life the way he wants to and I'm good with that. Because in spite of all he doesn't have , I have a son who has the heart of a king, he is kind, loving beyond belief, a protector, a big brother, a savior to the under dog, and challenged in a way I cannot fathom. He knows he is different, he KNOWS he is not the same but, HE is not caught up in it. So what if we never go watch him play a football game, or have a huge party with numerous friends over? He is good with it so, why can't I be? 

What did I do to become so blessed with the most amazing gift I have ever seen? He teaches me so much about life on a daily basis. He is a fighter, the pillar of ultimate strength. Where I want him to be "perfect" he will never be, but in so many, many ways he is so much more than perfect. He is my son, my precious little gift from God, my daily lesson in humility,humanities, honor, and love. He IS.... Logan

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Interesting weekend leads to an eventful Monday

So after the worlds mayhem calmed down mine picked up. What we deemed as a non eventful quiet weekend, turned about to be better than quiet. We all went swimming at the Y on Saturday afternoon, teaching the kids to swim is a great joy I have. Teaching their dad to swim will be the death of me! LOL
After swimming the kids had some friends over and they all took off for their secret fort and were gone for what seemed like hours, we just laid there we the tv's off and listen to the sound of nothing, for all of about 5 minutes. It never lasts longer than that, if it does, something is very wrong. The sound was our youngest Moom Moooooooom OmGosh OmGosh MOoooom can you come up here???? Dashing up stairs I fear I am going to find a dead guinea pig... but no....it's alive and very tiny new born. My daughter exclaims, "MOM... milk laid a baby!!" After laughing on her over exuberance we name the little guy Snickers. What else would you call a baby to Milk and Chocolate? After segregating the male that was female :( from the brood all is balanced again.

Hunter, possibly the kids Best Friend especially Logan's eat dinner with us and ends up spending the night. They watched Skyfall and the boys slept in the living room. Hunter was woken up by a dogs nose on his foot. :) Personally i can think of no better way to wake up on a Sunday morning. He goes to church with us which is about a 45 minute drive ( another story) Hunter tells us that his parents are splitting up and he doesn't know what is going to happen. Bruce and I are touched that he feels comfortable enough with us to share that but saddened at the same time that such a great kid is going through this.

Sunday for lunch I head out to have lunch with some past co-workers of mine and end up staying gone for almost 3 hours. It was so much fun to catch up and spend some time away from the clan. Sunday we wound down and relaxed got the kiddos ready for school on Monday had dinner and went to bed. Completely unaware of the Monday that was waiting.

Monday oooohhh Monday, the kids were NOT ready we ended up having to take them to the bus stop where the bus was pulling up as they got out of the car. Fighting and arguing the whole way. Monday work was standard, Bruce and I were going to meet at the Y instead of going home getting dinner ready running out the door just too much mayhem. So we thought lets avoid this. I will meet you at the Gym and you can go home and change check on the kids. It will give us more time with the kiddos and we can still work out. great idea right? NO wrong LOL Bruce left the house late because he had to transfer the freezer food to the outside freezer because the freezer was broken BLAH. Oh well rush rush he gets stopped b a stopped train. Meanwhile I work out for an hour wondering where he is. I get home Bruuuuuce! its not just the freezer the fridge is dead too!!!I loose it, how can you not know, lets call some places, crap we have no money i just paid taxes and all our bills this was NOT in the budget OMGosh OMGosh.

Breathe Karen......I have a check I have not cashed, cashed it, put down 10% put the rest on a credit card and tada! New fridge will be delievered YAY, the old one hauled away for free YAY!! not until Wednesday Boooo oh well at least we have a freezer to put all the food in All of this to say ya know what. We are blessed it could have been so much worse, but it's good God is good and we are blessed to have God's grace when things get to much remember, give it to God he can do all things!

Here's to an awesome week...Amen

The things we do for our kids

When I was a kid I was a competitive swimmer. That meant year round meets, early practices, meets across town, out of town, practice times that made no sense ( to my parents) To me.... it was my life. Ever since I was 7 years old all I wanted to do was swim. So I did all year long. My parents put in a pool. My own H2O paradise. I had no clue until I had kids of my own that not only was my success as a swimmer due to my commitment it was my parents commitment too. If my dad had not gotten up at 4 am to take me down town to swim at 5 am before school at the gym M-F I would never have made it to city finals, or state finals, or nationals. Thanks dad....

Now it is my turn to drive across town to meets and such for my daughter, who apparently is a natural triathlon athlete. She competed in her very first one this past weekend and blew the field away. after we got there at 6 am leaving our house at 5am BLAH!! I had no clue there were clubs for this but... it didn't matter she beat most of the clubs. Now my daughters new quest is for a club, and a new sport life we have entered just like that. I would do it all again to see that smile on her face as she crossed the finish line. I love her,  the pride I felt was like I had just given birth all over again. AMAZING how kids get us to commit without even trying :) More amazing we do it, without a second thought.

He is Going Home Today

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't a little sad that my dad is leaving today. But, it is sooooooo time. I hope he can live on his own on the ranch but I am doubtful. I know he misses mom and all her things but he needs to be here. He needs to be with family,he just doesn't need to live with me LOL

Last night he took us all out to dinner at one of his favorite places, Benihana's. The kids had never been before so that was a real treat, they thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I love watching kids reactions to something new. It makes it new and fun again for me. When something you like gets to be routine bring a kid with you, I guarantee your entire perspective will change.

Saturday is triathlon day well pep rally day, we get to meet Texan cheerleaders and football players and celebrity kids? so great for the kids I am sure it will be a blast! I am so proud of Zoe for doing this, she just wants to do it for the fun of doing it so she can say, I have done a triathlon. I love her for that. She is one awesome little girl.

Tonight my life goes back to some assemblance of normal, no more 3 adults barking orders and kids running wall eyed because they are so confused. Just torn between wanting my life back and wanting what is best for my Dad. I just don't see him succeeding out there alone. We (my siblings and I) all think that dad just need to buy a condo in a retirement community and enjoy the rest of his days around friends and family not holed up on the Ranch as a hermit. Part of me hopes we are wrong, part of me fears we are right. One thing I know for sure is I love my dad I miss my mom more than words can say and I just want a happy medium so dad can live out his days in peace.

The End is Near...and It's a Good Thing

My Nephew came in town Friday night, his school is just now getting spring break. How sad... At any rate he is here to drive my father back to New Mexico....Alleluia!! The man should have left 2 months ago but for whatever "he Hates Houston mantra" he is still HERE!! The cause as to how he ended up here was he fell twice causing odd behaviors and an inability to take care of himself. That was back in October. In November we found out why... two tennis ball sized hematomas in his skull. We have them removed and he is on months of PT and OT to regain function ability to live alone. He was cleared 2 months ago. I know I have said that already but that means I have been living UPSTAIRS in my sons bed room for 8 weeks longer than I should have been. My father is an angry, greedy, selfish, man who is NOT easy to live with. I have since decided that my mother was purely an angel and martyr for dealing with him for 50 years.

Just a few weeks ago one of the twins asked me why God could not just take him, and then asked why Nan didn't want her husband back... to which she quickly replied to her own question..." I don't blame her.... I wouldn't either." How sad and funny at the same time that a 9 year old feels that way about their Grandfather. He, since getting better has tried to run my house and my children. I get to hear almost daily, how dirty my house is which it is not, it is just currently housing a family of 6 and his NOW inside dog, how my children need 100 % supervision, which they do not, and how i need to sell my house and buy one in a the adjacent neighborhood which he deems as better, oh the list could go on for a while. I love my father I really do but he is not someone I can or would ever choose to live with. The next time he comes down he will either have to get himself a condo, an apt, or stay in an extended stay hotel somewhere because as for my and my house we cannot do it again.

So all of that to say they leave on Thursday...God speed!!

We almost had to move out

Well yesterday was great....let's just say it ended that way. The rain from the night before was fabulous, we needed it terribly. The morning was damp and cool and it stayed over cast all day. I love days like that. I like them more when I can be at home curled up with a book but, well they are still nice from a 4th floor office window. At any rate the day was status quo until the kids did not call to say they were home.

Well as any good parent would do we panicked!

Come to find out the kids made it home just fine, BUT they let my dad's dog out. My dad who loves this dog more than life, that dog.They let him out while they were coming in from school and because it was THAT dog thus negated to usual we are home phone call. The severity of the situation, I will agree, did warrant mass panic. Chloe apparently is not one who can deal with the stress of a magnanimous situation. As she is running and crying and screaming for the dog. Just the thing you want to do to get a dog to come to you.... right? Exactly, wrong! Finally Bruce is able to reach Zoe on her cell phone and tell her to get her sister home and how to get the dog with much less drama.( Bruce had to do this the other day when we let THAT dog out)

Meanwhile from my office I am making plans with my brother for all of us to live at his house until my father leaves next week. Because under no circumstances was I going to live in my house with MY father who just lost HIS precious because of MY kids. DO you see the dynamic of this, he dog is more precious that his child or his grandchildren, maybe even himself. My mother was sure the dogs place was over hers but, that's a story for another day. My father is a wonderful man just not the kind you want to live with, unless he is an invalid and then he is fabulous house company. As it is now he is no longer and invalid and he has returned to his tyrant state. BLAH.

I promptly sent a text to my brother letting him know the situation to which his heart dropped as well. Maybe he was thinking a complete evacuation of Houston was in order. Considering my fathers temper he might have been right. At the end of the exasperating ordeal the precious dog was found and taken home, I sent the survival text to my brother which he responded to with THANK GOD. To which I am assuming ment he stopped packing his house as well. LOL

We ended the night  quietly with dinner out and a sewing lesson for the girls. I am teaching them the basic stitching techniques on canvas with yarn before I turn them loose on cloth with a real sharp needle. The stories from this ought to be enlightening LOL

Have a great day!

Time flies with 3 day weekends

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have last posted. Since my last post I have gained another year on my life Happy Birthday to me!! Gotten a new Easter Basset Puppy for my Hubby and embarrassed my kids at least a dozen times I am sure.

My Birthday was great my dad got me a Moeller's cake, which is the best cake in the world, not just Houston. I already had my new car, and my ear rings that Bruce could not wait to give me so.... I got a paper weight pig for my present :) Looove pigs! good job Brucie. I can say without a doubt this year was far better than last year and every year that passes I miss my Mom more but the pain is easier to deal with. Maybe I am just expecting it. Everyone remembered even my poor worn out brother who works too hard (if you ask me) The most wonderful thing about my birthday is, my sister is 7 years older the following day HA!! Better than a twin she takes the sting out of turning older. However my poor brother did infact miss calling his big sister. Its a crap shoot with him who will be forgotten each year. We love him anyway and just tease him mercilessly about it.

As far as embarrassing my kids ahhh well dancing in the middle of Il Primo just about sent them all to an early grave. I asked, sheepishly, I do it all the time at home is it not OK in public. Zoes mouth, still gapping, said no LOL. I love that, mostly because my kids will one day remember that life is better when seriousness is put in it's place and silliness lives strong! Pretty much I am a stop and smell the roses type person now instead of oh look and take note of their presence. My favorite saying is "smile at the little things, they add up to something big" simple truth.

My neighbor lost his job, I wish that on no one, he is not all together the mirror of humanity that one wished for in a neighbor but, well, life goes on. We have learned though, no sleep overs at the house where the husband is drunk and yells and throws things and talks to his wife like dirt. It's sad too his wife and kids are so great. But, alas, I cannot condone it and do not allow the kids to play there. They still play in the front yard with each other and talk through the fence and bounce separately on trampolines together. Their daughter spilled the beans exclaiming "my dad got fired.....we are poooooor!" I feel bad for them, I told the girls we needed to pray for him and their family because even though he is not the type of person we want in our lives that type of hardship I wish on no one. So we pray for their well being and financial situation and I hope it is teaching my kids a good lesson. Something along the lines of just because we don't care for their way of life doesn't mean we cannot pray for their happiness. Or something like that, I am not even sure my self but if feels like the right thing to do.

Now as far as the Easter Basset... this one was completely spontaneous  A life long friend posted about Basset puppies being given away, I look at Bruce and said you want? He said sure, we hopped in the car drove 2 hours and picked one up. I hate puppies. I had forgotten that LOL they pee, they lick and they whine. UHHHG! Over all he really is a good dog and is catching on to routine very quickly. I might just have to love the guy. His name is Toby, you know after the Basset in Disney's the Great Mouse Detective ( love that movie) So I think that catches us up thus far other than my father goes home next week WOOHOO and  I have lost 10 pounds yippee. Back to work more to come in a few days not weeks I promise!

my week thus far

Typically weeks are pretty non eventful. I guess this one is typical week at least in my house hold. Monday was a lack luster day just work, home, homework with the kids, quick stir fry dinner and off to bed. Tuesday pretty much the same thing minus the fact that it is Pizza night and we went to the gym. Bruce walks and workout I ZUMBA. I love it except for the fact that Tuesday night teacher was hell bend on breaking my thighs with squats I think we did 15 minutes of various squats. Oh well all for the good of the butt I guess. I finished up with the last of the strawberries by making a strawberry layer cake with Jamaican Cream Rum icing...oohhh so good! Well at least the very small sliver I had was good. Tuesday night all hell broke loose in the skies, hail, rain, thunder and lightening. It thundered so loud I swear I levitated off my bed when it cracked over head. I flipped over in bed "Bruce....did you hear that" snoooooorrrrreee was his response LOL. I guess working out did him good. Wednesday morning it was off to work and school. I dropped the kids off at school since it was still dark out and pooring down rain. I turned to go to work and ya well I sat and sat and sat. No one showed up to the office until 9:15 I was the first one there at 9 a full 30 minutes late. Amazing how the first big rain of the year and peoples cars shut off or something mid drive. I dunno I haven't seen traffic that bad in years! At any rate spend my day at work researching. Not for a lawyer but for our camping trip this weekend.

That's right I am going camping in the great wild outdoors. It is sure to be an experience to blog about. I don't do bugs, or dirt, or fish, or well anything outside with the exception of walking :) I don't fear wild animals because all in all TX is mostly known for snakes, bobcats, and I guess wild boars now. But, my over active imagination fears the escaped convict living in the woods for years, days whatever that finds us in the middle of the night and kills us all. Because it happens all the time right?!? LOL I know I know only in the movies BUT..... TX chain saw massacre was real so IT COULD. Thankfully I rely on the fact that my husband was trained by the Military so i just assume he is a ninja and will protect us all :) another little dream I have LOL enough for now. I must get some work done :)

Weekend Wonderful

This weekend started out early on Saturday, we snuck out of bed grabbed anyone who was awake and ran out the door. All with the intentions of getting into the farmers market. Unfortunately we got there too early, but that's OK because in true form I did not stop by the bank to get cash. So we My husband and the girls stopped at the bank and grabbed a bite to eat. When we got the farmers market I was on sensory overload. Having never been to a farmers market I wanted to buy everything, but alas I cannot I must learn to practice frugality, not anything I am use to. I am use to see, want, spend. No longer can I shop without reason. So we left with some awesome Mango Strawberry  Habanero Jam from www.JollyRogerJams.com , some goat cheese and of course farm fresh "green" eggs. I had to get the green eggs seeing as how Sunday is St. Patties day. The kids left with fresh green caramel apple kettle corn. All in all not a bad early morning start to the weekend.

After dropping off our latest finds and retrieving our son we headed out garage sale shopping. A fun adventure I have rarely enjoyed in my life. I have to tell you getting there about 10am seems to be the perfect time. We missed one opportunity to get a great dresser by about 5 minutes because we stopped at two previous duds but at any rate we will were able to get a dresser for the boy and a few toys for the kids all for 15 bucks. Again not too shabby of an early morning.

We then dropped our new finds off at the house and headed out once more. This time we were loaded up to head out to Froburgs Farm this awesome little pick your own farm. They have everything there, but we were after their strawberries. While headed out there my aunt called and we ended up meeting my aunt and uncle and heading out there together. Well apparently everyone in southwest Houston who was not at the Rodeo was there. After snaking our way through the mile long entry line we made it. We walked into the most packed produce market I have ever seen in my life. We ended up with about 14 lbs of strawberries, along with farm grown broccoli, yellow squash, and zucchini. I also bought a bag of split peas to try my hand at split pea soup. I am decent cook so I am not terribly worried about the outcome. I will however say my jobs as a jammer/canner still needs to be worked on. As of right now I have 8 jars of semi set strawberry jam in my fridge. At least it tastes good!

After finishing the night up at my aunts house and driving home to unload yet once more we ended the night with fresh strawberry shortcakes with home made whipped cream. I have to say everyone passed out after running around all day. Thank fully Sunday is a pretty much God and rest kind of day.

We wake up have our "green" eggs for St. Patrick's day make sure everyone has on some green Minus Bruce who has green eyes and claims that counts( no one dare pinch Dad) so we let it ride. head off to church meet and great old friends and family hugs and well wish get our recharge of God for the week. I love my church I have been going there since I was born, as did my mom. So to say that my extended church family is large would be an understatement. I love them all and cherish the moments I have with them. I hope one day my children will feel the same way. After church we did a few chores took a GREAT nap (which i believe everyone should do on Sunday) had a family dinner and topped it off with frozen yogurt. All in all I call it a great weekend, a weekend wonderful.

TGIF really means something now

Before I would just hear the sayings on a random morning program or see it on Facebook posts and it never meant anything to me. I was just getting rev'd up for the weekend onslaught of sales and mania. Now, it means family time, together we can go on adventures like I did when I was little and my Mom would swoop us into the car on some horribly grande adventure. I hated it then or so I thought. I must have secretly loved it at the same time.

I think up of so many things to do I am pretty certain my weekends are booked through at least the first week in July. Although my spontaneity will ensure that nothing goes as I thought it would which is half the fun. Plans without plans I call them, it drives my brother NUTS he has to have everything planned to the "t". It use to bug my military husband, now he just laughs and gets in the car with me :)

why I am doing this...

It is possible I should not be telling you this but......

I left my career to start life over again at the age of 37. I made great money and as a family did great things. So I left to become a legal secretary and make a fraction of what I was making. In this day and age of economic uncertainty and keeping up with the Jones' I am sure you want to know WHY?!? It is simple, one day while taking a shower to go to work I step out to a Bathroom suite of my kids. In shock I asked why are you all here? The response was simple 'because we wanted to see you mommy." It broke my heart, it was the moment I realized something had to change.

So I left my career of Retail Manager, swing shifts, emergency Corporate visits, no Holidays with the family (that's when we made our year in sales), missed birthdays, missed family get togethers but really great pay. I realized that my really great pay allowed my husband and the kids to go to great dinners and movies and play dates and parties etc. While all I did was get to hear the stories. What is the point of the money if I miss out on it and my kids get up at 6 am on Saturday to catch me before I run out the door?

From that point forward which was about 3 weeks ago I made the most drastic change in my life in 10 years and haven't looked back. Why would I life out here is great!